


sangcheo

by Thistley



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: 5 Things, 5 Times, 5+1 Things, Angst, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Im Changkyun | I.M-centric, Insecurity, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:27:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28052418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thistley/pseuds/Thistley
Summary: "He eyed the stairs nervously, then glanced down to his oversized pyjama pants that were just covering his feet. He’d been so sure when he’d thought of the idea but the sight of the stairs had made it very daunting. He could seriously hurt himself if he misjudged the fall.“Changkyun! Hurry up!” a voice called from in the living room. “We’re waiting to start the film!”“Coming!” Changkyun called. He took a deep breath and began to jog quickly down the stairs. As anticipated, he got about halfway down before his foot got tangled in the fabric and his stomach lurched as he lost his footing and tumbled down."Or:Changkyun gets insecure when he realises his members aren't affectionate with him anymore. He hurts himself to get their attention. It goes about as well as you'd think.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon & Im Changkyun | I.M, Im Changkyun | I.M & Everyone, Im Changkyun | I.M & Lee Jooheon, Im Changkyun | I.M & Lee Minhyuk, Im Changkyun | I.M & Yoo Kihyun, Im Changkyun | I.M/Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Im Changkyun | I.M/Son Hyunwoo | Shownu
Comments: 10
Kudos: 194





	sangcheo

**Author's Note:**

> As always, this is 100% fiction.
> 
> Let me know what you think! I love getting comments, it really makes my day. Wonho included because fuck you why not.
> 
> Please point out any typos.

~1~  
The first time was an accident. He’d been distracted, working through dance practice on muscle memory alone, mind drifting. Despite living with his group he’d never felt so distant from them, like he was teetering on the edge and ready to fall off, and it’d been consuming him.

_Changkyun flopped dramatically onto the sofa beside Minhyuk, leaning his head against his shoulder and peering at the phone that Minhyuk was scrolling through. “Hiya, hyung,” he said._

_Minhyuk hummed noncommitedly and subtly shifted his shoulder._

_Frowning, Changkyun followed his movement only for Minhyuk to sigh, lock his phone and stand up. “Not today, Changkyun,” he said._

_Changkyun sat up and watched as Minhyuk left the room, the dismissal burning in his chest._

**Changkyun took his time getting ready for bed, dread sinking further and further at the thought of sleeping alone after watching the horror movie Jooheon had insisted they play. He slipped an oversized shirt over his head and stood there nervously before moving towards Jooheon’s bed.**

**“Hyung,” he said quietly, clutching the hem of his shirt nervously. His eyes flickered to the sliver of moonlight he could see in the gap of the curtains and shrunk in on himself more.**

**Jooheon groaned and rolled over to face Changkyun. “What?” he said.**

**“Can I sleep with you?” he asked.**

**Jooheon sighed and Changkyun could immediately tell his response. He began backing away.**

**“Is this because of the movie? You’re not a baby, Changkyun. Grow up,” he grumbled, turning back over.**

**Changkyun trudged back over and buried himself in blankets, chewing his thumb nervously and replaying his rejection in his mind.**

_Changkyun’s form of bonding with Kihyun mostly consisted of helping out in the kitchen. Kihyun wasn’t really the cuddly type, more content to show affection by mothering the person in question, with maybe a brief hug or a pat on the head. Cooking with Kihyun was something he looked forward to, a time for them to spend alone in comfortable silence._

_Changkyun popped his head around the kitchen door. “Need any help, hyung?” he asked. It was mostly a formality, Kihyun never directly denied his help._

_A warm smile and an invitation was what Changkyun expected. A grimace and slight shake of the head was what he got instead._

_“I’m sorry, Kyunnie. Not tonight.”_

_Changkyun paused in the doorway. “Oh,” he said. “Alright. Um...I’ll see you later then,” he said._

_Kihyun shook his head again. “I’m actually going out this evening. Some friends invited me out and it’s the last time I can in a while.”_

_Changkyun floundered. “But...our movie plans?”_

_Kihyun stopped still where he was stirring a pot on the stove. “Oh,” he said. “I’m sorry, Kyunnie, I forgot. Another time, yeah?” He gave Changkyun a small smile._

_Changkyun smiled sadly back at him. “Yeah, of course. Don’t worry. Have fun, hyung.” He slunk away from the kitchen before Kihyun could reply, bypassing the living room for the bathroom so he could wallow in his sadness under warm water._

A sharp burst of pain in his left leg was what struck Changkyun back to reality, the cold floor of the practice room and the damp sweat of his shirt hitting him all at once. Alongside that, a cacophony of noise as 6 other people stopped to call out to him.

“Are you okay, Changkyunnie?” Minhyuk asked, crouched next to him with a gentle hand on his shoulder. “That looked like it hurt.”

Changkyun tried to move his leg only for another burst of pain to cause him to wince and let out a hissed breath from between his teeth.

“Don’t move it,” Kihyun said, suddenly appearing next to him. “Hyungwon, go get some ice. Hyunwoo, please tell the manager that Changkyunnie is injured and will be sitting out today’s practice.”

Changkyun was overwhelmed. It was the first time in weeks they’d actually...cared for him. Treated him like the makane, like someone to look after. A tear slipped down his face that he disguised as a tear of pain.

“Oh, don’t cry,” Minhyuk said, wiping the tear gently. “It’s okay.” He pulled him into a hug and Changkyun felt himself melting, body craving the affection after so long.

If he had to get hurt to get it, then so be it.

-

~2~

The second time wasn’t an accident. A few days after his leg was fully healed he was back at practice and dancing harder than ever, a small part of him hoping he’d hurt himself again. He couldn’t forget how nice it was to finally have his groupmates' attention and craved it more than ever now it was gone again.

It was evident after a week more of practicing that he wasn’t going to fall again. He could hardly do it on purpose, he wasn’t that good of an actor. And he needed to be able to dance, he couldn’t let the group down like that.

So he found another avenue. Changkyun leaned back against the counter and waited for the kettle to boil for his and Hyungwon’s tea. Hyungwon was lurking against a counter also, stirring a concoction of vegetables that Changkyun assumed was to become a face mask in its near future. When the kettle boiled he was purposefully, unsteady, puring the boiling water partially into the cup and partially onto his bare hand.

“Ouch!” he exclaimed, despite anticipating the pain. He placed the kettle down fast and brought his hand up to examine it. There was a significant red patch on his tan skin, blotchy and hot to the touch. He poked it slightly.

Someone slapped his hand away. “Don’t do that!” Hyungwon scolded. He pulled him by the elbow over to the sink and turned on the cold tap. “Hand,” he said.

Changkyun placed his hand under the water. Immediately, the scold began to soothe, skin turning a little less angry red. He smiled a little at the feeling of Hyungwon’s lingering hand on his arm.

“You should be more careful,” Hyungwon said, producing an antibacterial burn cream from a cupboard above their heads. “Thank God Kihyun insists on having a first-aid kit, huh?”

Changkyun hummed in agreement and let Hyungwon gently pull his hand away to apply the cream. “Sorry, hyung,” he said.

Hyungwon hummed. “Don’t be. It was an accident. I’ll finish pouring the drinks.” He ruffled Changkyun’s hair fondly.

When Hyungwon handed over his mug, Changkyun smiled at the additional taste of honey that Hyungwon only ever added when he wanted to cheer a person up.

-

~3~

Changkyun had been testing a theory with Hyungwon, a theory that he decided was ultimately correct. They only paid him proper attention when he was hurt. It wasn’t the most ideal, but Changkyun was strong, he could withstand a bit of pain. He was an idol after all, and what kind of idol would he be if he wasn’t used to a constantly aching body?

He eyed the stairs nervously, then glanced down to his oversized pyjama pants that were just covering his feet. He’d been so sure when he’d thought of the idea but the sight of the stairs had made it very daunting. He could seriously hurt himself if he misjudged the fall.

“Changkyun! Hurry up!” a voice called from in the living room. “We’re waiting to start the film!” 

“Coming!” Changkyun called. He took a deep breath and began to jog quickly down the stairs. As anticipated, he got about halfway down before his foot got tangled in the fabric and his stomach lurched as he lost his footing and tumbled down. He hit the carpet below with an audible smack, nausea rolling up as he lay on the floor and tried to catch his bearings.

“Oh my god,” a voice said above him.

Changkyun felt hands on his body and moaned in annoyance as a particularly sore spot on his shoulder was poked viciously. He sat up and blinked rapidly to clear his swimming vision.

Hoseok and Hyunwoo were knelt over him, faces creased in worry.

“Yah, you idiot!” Hoseok said, the light smack over his head betraying his worry. “How many times do we have to tell you? We told you this would happen!”

Changkyun smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, hyung.”

Hoseok rolled his eyes. 

“Are you alright?” Hyunwoo cut in. “You hit the floor hard.” He began to run his hands over Changkyun’s scalp to search for bumps.

“I think so. My shoulder hurts and I feel a bit sick but it's no big deal.” Changkyun rubbed the shoulder in a question a little and winced.

“I can massage it while we watch the film,” Hyunwoo said. “It won’t do you good to practice with a stiff shoulder.”

Changkyun felt a smile grow on his face and he ducked to hide the pleased blush. “Thanks, hyung,” he said. He allowed Hoseok to haul him up and they traipsed into the living room to settle on the couches. Hoseok pulled him close and slung an arm over his shoulders while Hyunwoo pressed play and then moved Changkyun’s oversized shirt collar to the side to massage the sore spot.

Changkyun smiled into his hyung’s shoulder and felt his eyes close a little, warm and content.

-

~4~

“Don’t forget to clean up that smashed glass,” Changkyun overheard Kihyun say. “Or someone will hurt themselves.”

He bit his lip at that, thinking. Most of his other injuries had been very minor, aches and pains or occasional bruises that went away. There was no trace of his incident with the hot water, or his trip down the stairs. He’d been very careful to keep it that way, knowing a sudden influx of scars would be bad in a multitude of ways.

He’d been careful, but the urge had been there. He wanted something that would draw blood, something where the evidence would remain.

Changkyun pulled on a hoodie and made his way to the living room, sitting in the seat that Jooheon had vacated after dropping a glass on the floor beside it and smashing it. The glass wasn’t visible from where he was sitting. In fact, if he hadn’t overheard Kihyun, Changkyun would’ve had no idea it was there.

He remained there, scrolling aimlessly on his phone, until another group member - Kihyun - arrived and sat on the opposite sofa. 

Changkyun locked his phone, balanced it on the side of the sofa and stretched, purposefully knocking it off the edge towards the pile of glass. Swearing, he leant down to pick it up.

“Wait! Don’t” Kihyun started.

“Fuck!” Changkyun exclaimed, breaking him off. He pulled his hand up sharply to reveal a two inch long cut along his palm, blood already oozing out. He pulled it to his chest and stared.

Kihyun was over in the blink of an eye, taking Changkyun’s hand and raising it above his heart to try and stem the blood flow. “Fucking Jooheon,” he muttered. “I told him someone was going to get hurt.”

Changkyun hummed. The sting was strong and he could feel his eyes start to water slightly.

Kihyun must’ve seen that because his expression softened and he brought his free hand up to Changkyun’s cheek. “Does it hurt?” he asked. “C’mon, let’s get this cleaned up.” Gently, he pulled Changkyun to the kitchen and rummaged out the first aid kit.

As he ripped open an antibacterial wipe and started cleaning it, Changkyun got sudden deja vu to his experience with Hyungwon.

“I’m going to kill Jooheon,” Kihyun said.

Over Kihyun’s shoulder, Changkyun noticed their topic of conversation enter the room and cleared his throat slightly, nodding his head towards him.

Kihyun turned his head and glared. “I told you to clean that glass up! Now look what’s happened!”

Jooheon looked like a deer caught in headlights. Changkyun began to feel bad.

“Kyunnie?” he said.

Changkyun smiled in a way that was 90% grimace. “It’s not as bad as it looks.”

He noticed Jooheon spot the bloody wipes and pale. 

“Changkyunnie I’m so sorry!” Jooheon strode over and resolutely did not look at the cut, instead staring Changkyun down. He waited for KIhyun to finish applying a bandage and immediately pulled him into a tight hug. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he repeated like a mantra.

“It’s alright,” Changkyun said uselessly, brain a little scrambled from the hug. “It’s okay.”

-

~5~

The 5th time was when he got caught. In retrospect, it was probably better off. He knew that the injuries would’ve escalated, he knew the time he threw himself down the stairs on purpose. He knew but he didn’t want to face it, too content with the fact that it was actually working.

He was cooking in the kitchen. Almost everyone was out, bar him and Minhyuk so he’d volunteered to make dinner. Nothing complex, just a pot of ramen on the stove. Changkyun watched it bubble and his gaze involuntarily flickered to the heated metal of the pan. Impulsively, he pressed the back of his hand to the pan and held it there, wincing through the pain.

“What the fuck are you doing!” A voice ripped him out of his thoughts and a hand pulled him away from the stove. Minhyuk. Minhyuk who wasn’t supposed to be in the kitchen.

“Uh,” Changkyun said unintelligently. 

“You were pressing your fucking hand against the pot. It’s burnt. What were you thinking?” Minhyuk said, shoving Changkyun’s chand under cold water and quickly dashing away to turn off the stove.

Changkyun rinsed his hand in silence, knowing the game was up. Waiting for the axe to fall.

Suddenly much more gentle, Minhyuk pulled Changkyun into the living room and pulled him onto the couch. “Come here,” he said, opening his arms.

Changkyun leant against his chest.

“What’s going on, huh?” Minhyuk said. “Talk to me.”

He stayed silent but felt the familiar sting of tears beginning to rise.

“Please, Kyunnie.” Minhyuk begged.

If Changkyun hadn’t known better he’d think his hyung was close to tears. He still didn’t speak.

Minhyuk changed his approach. “Alright, I’ll ask questions and you answer. Were you hurting yourself...on purpose?”

Changkyun wordlessly nodded and felt rather than heard Minhyuk’s sharp intake of breath.

“Have you done it before?” he continued.

Changkyun nodded again. This time there was an unmistakable sob and he turned around to look at his hyung’s face.

“Talk to me, Kyunnie,” Minhyuk begged, tears falling down his cheeks. “What’s going on?”

Changkyun moved aside and put his head in his hands, fingers tugging at his hair. “I didn’t mean to, not at first,” he began. “It really was an accident.”

“What was?” Minhyuk asked. He placed an encouraging hand on Changkyun’s back.

“I know you guys don’t really like me,” Changkyun said, voice flat. “I get it, I do. After everything with No Mercy...but I need you guys.” He sniffled. “I need you.”

“What?” Minhyuk said. “You have us, Kyunnie. I don’t - I don’t understand.”

“Except I don’t!” Changkyun burst out. He turned to face his hyung who had a stricken expression on his face. “You ignore me and push me away and I barely touch you unless I’m hurt!”

Minhyuk’s expression broke more if that was even possible. “You’ve been hurting yourself...because you think we hate you?” his voice was quiet. “Oh my god.”

Changkyun inched away. “I’m sorry. Please don’t tell the others.”

Minhyuk floundered. “I have to! You’re hurting yourself! I can’t-” He cut himself off with a sigh. “Changkyun, I’m really sorry about how I’ve treated you. And I swear the others will be too. But they need to know. Changkyun, this is big, it could escalate. We don’t want to lose you. We love you.” 

Changkyun choked on a sob.

“Will you tell me what you’ve done?” Minhyuk asked. “I need to know you’re not hurt anywhere else.”

“The burn. I cut my palm once. Um...the time I fell down the stairs-”

“You threw yourself down the stairs?” Minhyuk interrupted.

Changkyun nodded. “Yeah...uh, I think that’s it, actually.”

There was a moment of silence. Minhyuk hugged Changkyun tighter.

“I’m sorry. I just didn’t know what to do.” Changkyun began openly sobbing, harsh and rough, tears streaming down his face. “I just didn’t know…”

Minhyuk hushed him and petted his hair. “I’m going to call everyone home, alright? We’re all going to talk.”

Changkyun tensed but didn’t say anything as Minhyuk fished his phone out and typed a text to the group chat.

“Why don’t you sleep a little, Kyunnie? I’ll wake you when everyone arrives.”

Changkyun nodded and curled up closer to Minhyuk, eyes drifting shut.

-

Changkyun woke to a gentle shaking. He linked his eyes open only to startle when he saw his entire group standing around him. His conversation with Minhyuk flooded back to him and he immediately flinched away.

“God, I’m so sorry, Changkyun,” Kihyun said, breaking the silence. His eyes were red rimmed. “We all are. Minhyuk told us everything.” He reached out to pet Changkyun’s hair. “It’ll be better from now on. I promise.”

-

~Bonus~

Minhyuk didn’t say anything until everyone had arrived, sitting in silence in the living room. He knew they’d clocked his red eyes the moment they arrived, identical expressions of worry gazing at him.

“Minhyuk...what’s going on? You said it was an emergency?” Kihyun said, the first to speak up.

Minhyuk wordlessly nodded and took a deep breath. “It’s...going to be difficult to hear,” he warned. “You need to stay calm.”

Kihyun looked even more concerned at that.

“Changkyunnie’s been hurting himself. On purpose. I caught him burning himself. That time he cut his palm, that time with the stairs…” Minhyuk stopped to wipe his tears.

“Why?” Jooheon breathed. Everyone else seemed in shock.

Minhyuk let out a sob. “Because it was the only time we paid attention to him. We ignored him so much he had to hurt himself to have us.”

Complete silence, and then the sounds of multiple people breaking.

“We have to talk to him,” Hyungwon said. “I - oh my God.”

Minhyuk nodded and shook Changkyun awake. It was time to set the record straight. They loved him, and they always would.


End file.
